Little is known about the author Ransley Cuckmere beyond what can be found in “The Cuckmere Chronicles”. It is understood he read Classics and Media Studies for a number of years at the Carpathian Bellflower University, deep in the mountains of Transylvania, before realising – one day, after dinner – that no such university existed. Disillusioned with higher education, he then joined the French Foreign Legion – changing his name to Alfonse – and served with distinction in a number of battles; including Balaclava, Gettysburg, Salamanca and the Battle of Britain. In the last of these, he gained some notoriety for his insistence on flying a Sopwith Camel biplane, instead of the more popular Spitfire or Hurricane. He was shot down more than twenty times, often by his own side, but survived and went on to command a Roman garrison on Hadrian’s Wall, where he was awarded a golden phalera for bravely preventing Scotch raiding parties from stealing eggs, to cover with sausagemeat and breadcrumbs. It is also worth noting, this biography was written by someone who had never met – nor even heard of – Ransley Cuckmere, so some of the above details may be inaccurate.